Timing and Temptations

I am so annoyed at all the challenges in my life. I hate this feeling of being weak and it seems as though everytime I find my footing, someone or something comes along to trip me in my passing. I am worried about my finals coming up but I still think that I should be feeling slightly more nervous than I am right now. I thought that this week would be the perfect week to relax and take in my studies but with the arrival of T (heck I make her sound as though she's a baby I've just given birth to) and all the drama with C.M., I just can't find clarity. There is no focus in my life right now. I wake up and I can't find something to live for. I am so detached from myself that I can't even be happy just living for me. I search desperately, overturning every rock, overanalyzing every crack...trying to find a happiness that does not exist. I used to pride myself on being the person that found beauty and serenity in garbage even, and now I just want the filthy pile away from sight. I stood in the shower this evening and let the hot water wash away the grime that sticks to me like a leech, but I could still smell it on the walls, on my bed, on the clothes I wore afterwards...just about every place I turned to. Nothing is clean anymore. It all reeks of pain and sin. I should be reading my texts but instead I sit here typing. And not only typing, but dreaming of love in the arms of a stranger and ways to wipe the sorrow from my skin. This life will be the death of me.

Steve is back in my life. I am happy for his friendship and the sincerity of his love for me. I am not excited about the summer at all. Aside from long nights with Steve and even longer ones with T, I have to suffer through biting my tongue around my family. I have to perfect a stupid act of being the flawless, respectful little girl that they wish me to be. There will be no more freedom to roam the streets and talk to the fairies that dance after me. No more time to dream of purple skies and a world without nights. I will have to become a puppet and succumb to the careless maneuverings of my master, Zenobia. Oh, I can't wait!