Not drunk, but tipsy!

Life is so confusing when it reaches this level. I can’t quite figure out if it is better to be at the top or at the bottom. Being right means nothing to me, especially when I end up feeling horribly and being wrong just stupidly confirms for me what a complete idiot I can be. Where is the in between? Is there any way for me to rise above my stubbornness? Can I give in to my leaders and still feel in control of myself? I am pulling out my hair, literally. Even when I know that my feelings are valid, what I say is nothing but truth, I still feel like a liar. I lie to myself. And when I move out of that I move into a state of self pity. They are complete extremes. How do I find my balance? I am running back and forth, trying desperately to pull off this balancing act. Truthfully, I am surprised I haven’t fallen off the beam yet but I am starting to exhaust myself. This has consumed me, this is my life. I am only a circus rat and there is nothing left of my existence but to perform on command.