Menthol

heal
to heal, me
burn
to burn, me
on nights, where the air only deceives me
for days, where the pain killers won't numb me
heal
heal
heal me.
spirits through my blood, to soothe me
my veins turned black, to awaken me
poison
poison, me
to heal
to heal, me.

...to quote...

Some people just can't stand to be second best...or third or fourth. They always have to be 'the best', the first! And then they damn 2nd, 3rd and 4th place to hell and end up last... where they should have been all along!

Often times, to win, is to fail and to lose yourself. Sometimes it is better to lose gracefully but acknowledge in your own mind that you were true to your art. You failed not because you lost but because of the way you handled losing.

shit, I make no sense. *rolls eyes and walks away*

At least some other people do....make sense that is...

"Artists who seek perfection in everything are those who cannot attain it in anything." Gustave Flaubert

"Perfection has one grave defect: it is apt to be dull." W. Somerset Maugham

Some people need to calm their inflamed egos.

Note to self and others...Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing - Harriet Braiker

It's BIG

BIG, HUGE! My psychiatrist and I have been talking excessively about life changes and those two words are all that comes to mind. I feel like I am doing a complete 360 here and it is too overwhelming. I am choking down my anger and outbursts now and I've been trying to think more objectively about everything and seriously, it is so hard. This is definately a case of one step forward and two steps back so I am wondering if I am even making any progress at all. For instance; I decided to finally take a stand in my relationship with Caroline. I refuse to be the one minute friend. Not when we are so close. I expect to be treated with respect, devotion and I expect to be given the attention I deserve. I listen to her, I cry for her, I advise her and I get irregular pointless conversations with her in return. Most of the time I am swallowing her bullshit about who is prettier and who is smarter between her and her competition and I am sick of it. I gave up. To have to constantly steer this friendship is causing me alot of pain and it just continues to drain my energy. It went from one night hearing that I was the best to another night hearing that she was too busy at the moment for a friend like me. So I take it with a grain of salt. I've said what I had to say and I have everyone I know backing me up. I am not being treated the way I deserve to be treated. So I said 'The End' to that and that was my one step forward. But now, I am missing my friendship and there is absolutely no communication whatsoever and it is starting to sting. My two steps backwards: I'm insecure and distracted. All the changing and growing I've been doing; It's BIG! Just BIG!

I think the girls and I have finally found our home for next year. It is sure to need some fixing and cleaning but I'm sold on the idea of living there. It will be our own space; less limited and restricted as some of the other places we have looked at.

I've fallen in love as well. I acquired a kitten who goes by the nicknames, Timbit and Pup. He is a real gem. I am really sorry that I can't keep him myself but I have minor allergies and most of my immediate family have allergies that are more severe. He is so small and such a character. He owns me. I will be giving him to my friend, Erica, who will hopefully love him off as much as I do. She is such a sweetheart for accepting him. My little man will be truly missed. These two nights have been pure amusement watching him sleep and romp around my room. It was so cute having him follow me around. Here is my boy, the pictures do no justice to this extremely handsome kitty.

Recovery

I haven't written, it's been too long. And I certainly regret not putting effort into it considering I have much to write about. Summer is starting. Not university summer, but the summer period I've known since childhood. I'm used to describing my mood and elaborating on single or multiple feelings but I hope to move away from that focus. I am on this path to self-recovery discovery acceptance and understanding and I hope to log as much of it down as possible. It can be so tough sometimes since change is so constant and can occur all too soon, not to mention way too fast. Talk about overwhelming! I can hardly keep up with myself. But for the sake of being able to look back and grow from my past experiences, I will try my hardest to continuously update myself in the now. It isn't as if I fear I'd forget the details or the circumstances but I tend to miss my own progress. For instance, a few weeks ago, I could only think about all that was negative about this summer including working at some job that I'd hate, having a piece of my heart away for so long, deliberating over choices to be made regarding my future education...just so much things that I didn't want to be faced with and then gradually (certainly not instantly) I started thinking positively. I don't know how. I figure I just couldn't continue living in a state of depression. Maybe? But the point is that I changed my whole mindset but I didn't really take notice to it until a few minutes ago. I'm excited to hopefully switch schools and I love researching about it because I truly feel it will be a huge step for me in the right direction. I know I'll make it to California one day. Not this year but maybe the next and I realize how perfect that location is for my friend during this period and that's just great. Most importantly this is my time. I have the independence and the freedom to better my current situation and state of mind without the distractions and chaos that I so often purposely create to feed myself a false sense of control. My sanity came from keeping myself at a secure level of insanity but it ran away with me and I suffered terribly for no reason at all. The important thing is that I am getting the help that I need and I am finding strength that I never knew I had no matter how little it may seem at the moment. I've been waiting for this for a long time now and it's all in baby steps...heck it is so scary as well because I am so comfortable in my pain but I'm finally ready.

On another note, I got my lip pierced a couple weeks ago. I had it pierced with the labret jewellery and it is just all too cute. I'm loving it.

Disappointment and Regret

I could not come up with the words myself to express how I feel about my latest failure so I decided instead to let a verse from a song do it for me.

"There's no blame for how our love did slowly fade. And now that it's gone, it's like it wasn't there at all. And here I rest where disappointment and regret collide...Lying awake at night" - 'Title and Registration', Death Cab for Cutie

Rage against the machine

One of the worst things that could possibly happen to me at 5:30 am in the morning when I'm already somewhat upset and overly anxious for this time of day, is having my entry randomly close on me after trying for at least a good 45 minutes to make sense of my thoughts just enough to type them out and let go of some pointless baggage. But pointless is still significant and now I'm left with nothing but hot tears to sting the back of my eyes, but which I couldn't dare let fall seeing as it is way to early morning and no amount of tears, as sacred as they may be, could ever bring back my words, in it's original format, fresh out of mind with that rare quality of being raw and profound.

Lack of concentration

Lately I’ve been doing this way too frequently. I’m writing nothing at all. I fill the lines of a page with useless rant. I hardly make sense to myself and no sense to the people around me. Now, not even pigeons would stop to listen to the voices that surround me when once we would communicate through vibrations and echoes in hollow spaces between buildings. This is all talk of some semi-peaceful days…days for me to miss. Those times to enjoy alone; I could walk absent mindedly, dreaming of faeries and many other unseen creatures. Am I delusional or can I trust that they really follow me playfully, laughing at the way I always look to be traveling impaired and crazy? And maybe they thought me to be friendless (which quite frankly I may be soon enough if I keep up with creating a safe distance between myself and all the friends I do have) and I guess they figured I could use the amusement. I blame them for all the occasions in which they made me appear as if I was talking to myself when in reality (or so I’d like to believe) I was simply letting them know that I knew they were there, hiding and jumping around like naughty hyperactive little children on too much grape Kool-Aid. This is all off-course from my initial train of thought. All I wanted to express was how distant I’ve been feeling lately. That should have been done in one sentence. Instead of all this joyful waste of life, I could have been studying. There is so much time to be productive but instead I throw it away just to indulge in mindless ramblings. I’m thinking of things but I’m not sure exactly what. This is when I know there is just too much. I can’t quite rope them together. Another failed attempt at translating sends me packing.

On a more positive note, I think I can anticipate a good solid five hours of sleep for a change. My eyes have not felt this heavy in a long time. This is well needed…and hopefully satisfying.