Lack of concentration

Lately I’ve been doing this way too frequently. I’m writing nothing at all. I fill the lines of a page with useless rant. I hardly make sense to myself and no sense to the people around me. Now, not even pigeons would stop to listen to the voices that surround me when once we would communicate through vibrations and echoes in hollow spaces between buildings. This is all talk of some semi-peaceful days…days for me to miss. Those times to enjoy alone; I could walk absent mindedly, dreaming of faeries and many other unseen creatures. Am I delusional or can I trust that they really follow me playfully, laughing at the way I always look to be traveling impaired and crazy? And maybe they thought me to be friendless (which quite frankly I may be soon enough if I keep up with creating a safe distance between myself and all the friends I do have) and I guess they figured I could use the amusement. I blame them for all the occasions in which they made me appear as if I was talking to myself when in reality (or so I’d like to believe) I was simply letting them know that I knew they were there, hiding and jumping around like naughty hyperactive little children on too much grape Kool-Aid. This is all off-course from my initial train of thought. All I wanted to express was how distant I’ve been feeling lately. That should have been done in one sentence. Instead of all this joyful waste of life, I could have been studying. There is so much time to be productive but instead I throw it away just to indulge in mindless ramblings. I’m thinking of things but I’m not sure exactly what. This is when I know there is just too much. I can’t quite rope them together. Another failed attempt at translating sends me packing.

On a more positive note, I think I can anticipate a good solid five hours of sleep for a change. My eyes have not felt this heavy in a long time. This is well needed…and hopefully satisfying.

Not drunk, but tipsy!

Life is so confusing when it reaches this level. I can’t quite figure out if it is better to be at the top or at the bottom. Being right means nothing to me, especially when I end up feeling horribly and being wrong just stupidly confirms for me what a complete idiot I can be. Where is the in between? Is there any way for me to rise above my stubbornness? Can I give in to my leaders and still feel in control of myself? I am pulling out my hair, literally. Even when I know that my feelings are valid, what I say is nothing but truth, I still feel like a liar. I lie to myself. And when I move out of that I move into a state of self pity. They are complete extremes. How do I find my balance? I am running back and forth, trying desperately to pull off this balancing act. Truthfully, I am surprised I haven’t fallen off the beam yet but I am starting to exhaust myself. This has consumed me, this is my life. I am only a circus rat and there is nothing left of my existence but to perform on command.

The Tableland Estate

I was once afraid of the night. To conquer my fears of darkness and silence, I immersed myself in it. I've learned to blend in with the black...

But there is something very unsettling up here in the Ville. My house never rests and neither can I. Cartoons help get me through until morning. "Rocket Robin Hood" on Teletoon is the most absurd cartoon I have ever watched. "He robs from the cosmic rich and gives to the astral poor!" The villian in the last episode I saw, had the most sinister laugh. I couldn't stop laughing at this green mechanical creature.

I would really like a dog. One that could sleep at the foot of my bed. For some reason they make everything seem a little less scary. Little ones are sweet but I'd like a Siberian Husky for my own false sense of protection.

Timing and Temptations

I am so annoyed at all the challenges in my life. I hate this feeling of being weak and it seems as though everytime I find my footing, someone or something comes along to trip me in my passing. I am worried about my finals coming up but I still think that I should be feeling slightly more nervous than I am right now. I thought that this week would be the perfect week to relax and take in my studies but with the arrival of T (heck I make her sound as though she's a baby I've just given birth to) and all the drama with C.M., I just can't find clarity. There is no focus in my life right now. I wake up and I can't find something to live for. I am so detached from myself that I can't even be happy just living for me. I search desperately, overturning every rock, overanalyzing every crack...trying to find a happiness that does not exist. I used to pride myself on being the person that found beauty and serenity in garbage even, and now I just want the filthy pile away from sight. I stood in the shower this evening and let the hot water wash away the grime that sticks to me like a leech, but I could still smell it on the walls, on my bed, on the clothes I wore afterwards...just about every place I turned to. Nothing is clean anymore. It all reeks of pain and sin. I should be reading my texts but instead I sit here typing. And not only typing, but dreaming of love in the arms of a stranger and ways to wipe the sorrow from my skin. This life will be the death of me.

Steve is back in my life. I am happy for his friendship and the sincerity of his love for me. I am not excited about the summer at all. Aside from long nights with Steve and even longer ones with T, I have to suffer through biting my tongue around my family. I have to perfect a stupid act of being the flawless, respectful little girl that they wish me to be. There will be no more freedom to roam the streets and talk to the fairies that dance after me. No more time to dream of purple skies and a world without nights. I will have to become a puppet and succumb to the careless maneuverings of my master, Zenobia. Oh, I can't wait!

Silly Suckers' Lollipop

"Am I bothering you?" I don't know why I insist on asking her this everytime I ring her at 3 in the morning. I heard fumbling, some talk in foreign tongue, and then the call ended. I'm sad, but I can't find it in me to phone her back. She had a bad head ache this evening. I felt helpless, I'm used to seeing her cheerful and upbeat...in a way I can handle. It's not annoying, or fake, just crazy. And I love it. When I left her this afternoon, she gave me candy. I just bit off the end of a Silly Suckers' Lollipop and now my heart is heavy. I miss her. I spent two nights at her house, returned to Loretto and was back there a few hours later. It was as if I never left and I was so excited to see that Baby Maria was over. I think I found my new happy. Maria's smile is heavenly and T's embrace is pure protection from the harsh outside. It is now time to reherse my lines. I have to find something smart to say to AVK (my dad) when he asks why I am not coming home tomorrow night. I can't just say I'm going to T's house because AVK does not know T...heck, I hardly know T. Oh Daddy, please forgive me. Maybe tomorrow, I'd stop doing these crazy things, or maybe the day after that. I wonder if I could ever introduce my whacky T to AVK. Probably not...besides I still have to figure out whether my new friend is healthy, a rountine to land, or just another drug to help me escape...

The Beginning

I wish for no more background music. Not for eternity, but for tonight. All this talk in my head, over and over and over...this cycle of debate, when will it end? Not forever, but only for tonight. I have a head full of ache and dreams this early morn, an anthropology test for late evening, and a failing relationship to carry me full into the next day. As usual I am thinking of too many things: a switch to turn me on and off, a miracle pill to cure my every ail and pain, a shower to cleanse me of my sin and a simile of a leech(which I now apply to many aspects of my life). All the sucking and all the draining, on both ends, for the two of us(me&her and me&life). I preferred this hour only a week ago. It would have been light by now. I am still rebelling against the change in time, no matter how little an hour may seem to the dead. They wouldn't know any better. How I'd love to lay stiff beneath the sheets tonight...well this morning actually. I keep momentarily forgetting the time and the black sky isn't helping. I am so sick of restlessness and the Sutton Place sign. It hurts my eyes. This has already droned on too long and this isn't the purpose of this blog. This one here is for sporadic rants- the rawness that I favour over the more thought-out posts that will occupy my msn blogsite.

I will pay more frequent visits to this blog so expect more content here...that is assuming that anyone is reading this at all.